http://sfgate.com/columnists/morford/
Mark Morford’s Morning Fix newsletter keeps me smiling when all looks bleak. He was on vacation, but now he is back. Personally, I couldn’t be more thrilled.
Here is today’s Fix for those who have never read one:
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SF GATE MORNING FIX
April 18, 2002 — Eric Roberts is 46 today
===============================================
By Mark Morford
morningfix@sfgate.com
THE MEDIA STEW
>From the fringes of SF Gate, and then some…
***********************************************
**Father Crandall Makes My Scalp All Tingly**
In a refreshing change of pace from recent molestation news, a Roman
Catholic priest was sentenced Wednesday to four years and three months
in prison for dealing meth and Ecstasy from his Florida rectory and his
New Orleans condominium. The Rev. Thomas Crandall, 47, blamed drug use
and job stress and his inability to score with young boys like all the
other cool priests. Crandall also reportedly stole money from his church
and used it to buy the condo and an SUV, but he has not been charged
with those crimes because hey, there’s only so many crimes Catholic
priests can commit in this country before everyone gets a bit jaded and
bored by the whole thing and starts tuning it all out and turning to
weird celebrity cooking shows on the Food Network instead. “We are
deeply gratified to see one of our fine priests breaking from the pack
and branching out from the whole altar boy groping thing,” said the
Vatican, in an unprepared statement, as Archbishop DeLonghi slumped back
in the Vatican Barcalounger wearing nothing but a pair of holy BVDs and
a wifebeater, fanning himself with a copy of Honcho and sipping a
watermelon margarita, a little hair of the dog for his wicked
blood-of-Christ hangover. “What, a little meth and some X to buy guns
and a DVD player or whatever? That’s it? We should probably give him a
medal.”
http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/n/a/2002/04/17/national1235EDT0649.DTL&
nl=fix
**Judaism Struggles For More Lecherous Ignominy**
In related news, a cantor at one of New York City’s largest Reform
synagogues was ordered to stand trial on child sex assault charges after
a judge heard testimony from the alleged victim. Howard Nevison, 61, the
longtime cantor at Congregation Emanu-El in Manhattan, is charged with
sexually assaulting his nephew several times when the boy was between 3
and 7. Nevison faces two felony counts of indecent sexual intercourse
and four misdemeanors, including assault and making threats against the
boy. The boy testified that he did not report the abuse for years
because Nevison threatened to kill him, an unfortunate turn of events
which has temporarily muffled Judaism’s glorious spate of Catholic
priest jokes. “A cantor? What’s that, a singer or something? Does that
even count?” pondered Rabbi Sheldon Cohen, kicking back in the temple
chaise wearing nothing but yarmulke and a ‘Rabbis do it more kosher’
T-shirt and sipping a matzoh-ball daiquiri. “What, we can’t try to get
in on this whole Catholic priest thing? Like we don’t have an equal
claim? We can be bad! We can be totally inappropriate too! Wanna talk
about foreskin? Hello?”
http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/n/a/2002/04/17/national1738EDT0802.DTL&
nl=fix
**Ted And Steve Calmly Embarrass Entire Human Race**
In one of the more adorable examples of stories about sadly moronic
middle-aged lug-nut males that make you say, Jesus with a latex thong,
even with all my little problems including but not limited to that
strange rash and the sock-sniffing fetish thing and the vague sense that
the goddamn Bush Administration is going to blunder us into WWIII, at
least my life hasn’t come to *this,* two men were found in the middle of
a Marine Corps training range during a live-fire exercise and were
arrested. “They claimed they were lost and that’s how they ended up
there,” police said. “It’s not uncommon for people to go out there to
collect ammo cans. But they obviously were at the wrong place.“
Theodore Murrish and Steven Floyd, both 47, were found in a van parked
in the middle of a range at the U.S. Marine Corps Air Ground Combat
Center. Police found marijuana, methamphetamine tablets and a loaded gun
on the two men. “Dude, let’s snort some meth and roll a doobie and grab
the gun and go out to the Marine shooting range and collect ammo cans,“
Ted apparently grunted to Steve just an hour previous, after attempting
to trepan his own skull with a rusty hand drill. “My God, that ith
geniuth,” Steve probably replied, trying to get his tongue unstuck from
a bottle of Goldschlager.
http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/n/a/2002/04/16/state1457EDT0100.DTL&nl=
fix
**Another Fine Reason To Shun Texas**
The body of a 6-year-old boy was found buried in mud in some relatively
godawful place called Lewisville, Texas with a puncture wound to the
neck, and his brother and sister confessed to his killing. Jackson
Carr’s 15-year-old sister led police to the shallow grave in a wooded
area after hours of searching. She and her 10-year-old brother were
charged with murder and were being held at a juvenile detention center.
Sgt. Richard Douglas said the 10-year-old confessed to holding his
brother down during the killing. The 6-year-old’s body was found about
100 feet from his family’s home. Police were still investigating the
cause of death and motive, but for most sentient creatures the phrase
“rural Texas” pretty much sums it up.
http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/n/a/2002/04/16/national0935EDT0574.DTL&
nl=fix
**Dope Up A Loved On Behavioral Meds And Cheap Gin Day**
Federal health officials are hoping to fill doctors’ offices on Sept.
24, encouraging black Americans to get health screenings — and
ultimately reduce significant health disparities. The “Take a Loved One
to the Doctor Day,” is a takeoff on the popular, “Take Your Daughter to
Work Day,” and officials hope it will catch on in the black community.
Other similar “special” days aimed at various subsets of the population
are to be announced later, including “Eat Some Goddamn Vegetables You
Doddering Sloth Day,” “Give A Loved One A Painful Colorectal Exam Day,“
“Oh My God Your Apartement Reeks of Cat Urine Day,” “Shut Up And Let’s
Get Naked Day,” and of course, “Give An Altar Boy A Lawyer Day.”
http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/n/a/2002/04/18/national1022EDT0582.
DTL&nl=fix
WE REPLY TO YOUR EMAIL
Meaningful dialogue between consenting strangers
***********************************************
– To Mary P: Of course the Vicodin and red wine worked splendidly well
and don’t let anyone tell you different and of course the other thing
they don’t tell you is how utterly thrilling actually is to operate
heavy machinery during, preferably those with winches and/or things that
drill and make really loud screeching noises. Plus there’s the whole
sex/Vicodin thing. Shhh.
– To Tia W: Halting all CNN, NPR, PBS, and QVC in favor of the fine and
recently hobbled Fix is a noble and brave, if slightly insane, choice
indeed, my good T. Which is exactly why I appreciate it. Thanks for your
patience.
– To Nancy C: Always delighted and happy to promote the goodly art of
funked-up or otherwise wickedly talented animation though I have
precious little time to peruse and while the piece you sent isn’t
exactly radical or dangerous or groundbreaking it is nicely clever and
entertaining and just properly weird enough so here you go, let us share
it with others:
http://hotwired.lycos.com/animation/collection/nina_paley/fetch/
– To Edward R: Oh my dear Ed. You cannot be serious. Very, very
healthily I do eat, but I am far from a full vegetarian as I do lovingly
and moaningly and very frequently consume superlative sushi and yes also
chicken though mostly organic and free range and while your admonitions
against overfishing are admirable and good, I’m sensing a bit of a
misguided indignation when making such blanket statements. Though I’m
all about slamming the entire odious beef industry, with only few
exceptions. God bless contradiction.
– To Daniel S: Have long owned the Dancing Wu-Li Masters but not the
Tao of Physics (Tao of Pooh and Te of Piglet, yes), but never quite made
it all the way through the Wu-Lis despite the giddy bliss I enjoyed in
attempting to absorb. Must retry someday soon. And anytime you’ve got
one of those muted serene seascapes for sale at your fine 409A.com, let
me know. Fabulous work.
– To David S: Has it been three months already? That’s usually the
proper duration before I feel that recurring need to clarify yet again
that no, despite extensive lubricant and insertable adult toy acumen, I
am not in fact gay, nor have I ever been, though I fully support and
celebrate the cause. I also harbor strong aversions to most pro sports
and SUVs and spitting and baseball hats and yet love superlative tattoos
and nipple rings and good porn and Metallica and calla lilies and
lavender body oil and Prada boots and downtempo acid jazz and natural
wood-stained homes and large sleek dogs. Go figure what I am.
– To Chiaro: Nice try, my imminently emphysematic friend. I have indeed
been to stunning Italy “where everyone smokes and life is wonderful” and
have witnessed firsthand the bizarre phenomenon whereby the youth
(particularly female) are slender stunning nearly flawless gifts of
humankind until roughly age 25, when some incredible and disturbing
leap/switch occurs and suddenly they all look about 55 and it ain’t just
the horrible dental hygiene and the massive starch and the smoking and
the deleterious lifestyle. Oh wait, yes it is.
– To Kieran: Indeed a worthy topic but did you really think I’d be
drawn to the idea of torturing my endlessly whipsawed synapses for
endless minutes trying to conjure something remotely amusing or wry to
say about the very insidious legislation that would ban the distribution
of any digital device, from CD player to software, built w/o
government-sanctioned “Digital Rights Management” code built in, coming
at you care of Disney and Sen. Hollings’ (D-SC) “Security Standards and
Certification Act”, aka the SSSCA? Not exactly a pithy ditty o’ wryness.
That’s why god invented angry tech columnists.
– To Art D: I unfortunately doubt not the existence of the Creation
Science Evangelism and Dinosaur Adventure Land, alas. Gratefully, it
sounds like a adorably tiny and cute little indignant pimple on the
entirely pockmarked face of Florida and hence is far less damaging and
deleterious to the universal soul than the existence of, say,
Celebration USA or the Mormons or perhaps Scott Stapp.
– To Buddy: Perhaps it is for entirely selfish reasons that I am forced
to share such horrifying Hell Readies a Room stories with the entire
subscription list of groaning Fixians because I am inundated every day
by the newswires and witness the entire range of white noise media
effluvia and if I don’t release some of the more horrendous and
appalling and freakish tales I see from the confines of my purview I
shall scream and explode and die and that would not be any fun at all.
Well maybe a little. P.S.; You should see some of the stuff I *don’t*
run.
THE SAN FRANCISCO FACTOID
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SF’s longest street: Mission, at 7.29 miles. The widest: Van Ness, at
125 feet.
THE DAILY WORD — Learn it, use it, spell it
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mummer “me-mer\ noun [MF momeur, fr. momer to go masked] (1502)
1) A performer in a pantomime; broadly: actor
2) One who goes merrymaking in disguise during festivals
Usage example: And then President Cheney had a troupe of midgit mummers
all dressed like the really cute members of N’Sync brought into the
bunker to re-enact the signing of the SALT II treaty, which never failed
to spur a fresh bout of deeply sinister chuckling.
MORE CHOICE CLICKABLES
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– Of tax cuts and more Republican congressional fairy tales. A nice
animated bedtime story by Mark Fiore. (Flash).
http://sfgate.com/comics/fiore/
– Local ‘Alice’ DJs slam SF woman by calling her a “skank”. Court
dismisses her suit, makes her pay legal fees. So there.
ttp://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2002/04/18/BA69898.DTL&nl=fix
– New! Hot! Amazing! Major software players are positively gushing over
the next big trend: Web services.
http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/g/a/2002/04/18/websrvc.DTL&nl=fix
– Fake boobs and all, a very dumb Cameron Diaz flick depicts SF’s most
maligned women: the Marina chick. And we shouldn’t stand for it. Laurel
Wellman.
http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2002/04/18/MN154295.DTL&nl=fix
– More than 200 types of brews at the SF Int’l beer festival. Plus:
Gore Vidal, Earth Day and more ePicks.
http://sfgate.com/eguide/epicks/
STORY PICK O’ THE MORNING
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**Elvis Has Left The Serta**
Because apparently what the world really needs now is Elvis-themed
bedroom furniture.
(Associated Press)
http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/n/a/2002/04/16/financial0030EDT0003.DTL
&nl=fix
CHARLOTTE, N.C. (AP) — The King has been gone for 25 years, but Elvis
Presley’s phenomenal marketing power has everyone all shook up at the
International Home Furnishings Market.
Vaughan-Bassett Furniture Co., based in Galax, Va., will introduce two
new lines of Elvis Presley bedroom pieces at the world’s largest
furniture trade show, which gets under way on Thursday.
Branding is one of the hottest trends in the furniture business, with
companies striking licensing deals to use names like Ernest Hemingway,
Arnold Palmer — even the Titanic.
But it’s anybody’s guess what The King of Rock ‘n’ Roll will mean to a
couple redecorating the master bedroom.
Vaughan-Bassett officials insist no green shag or red velvet will be
used in the new “Graceland” and “Elvis Presley’s Hollywood” bedroom
lines. Still, they did try to have some fun.
Two of the signature pieces are the “Love Me Tender” bed and the
“Burning Love” heart-shaped mirror, said Doug Bassett, Vaughan-Bassett’s
vice president of sales and marketing and the great-grandson of the
company’s founder.
To accommodate different tastes, the two furniture groups will offer a
variety of pieces that range from refined to downright ostentatious.
“There’s a way to buy this furniture that whispers Elvis’ name,” Bassett
said. “And there’s another way if you feel like shouting from the
rooftop.”
For example, furniture buyers interested in owning a piece of The King
can choose a sleek bed with padded headboard and matching armoire that
merely hints at Presley with silver doorknobs in the shape of an “E” and
a “P.”
Then there’s the suite with a platinum-record mirror and more
initial-shaped drawer knobs. And there’s another, more traditional style
armoire — except for the frosted glass insert inscribed with Elvis’
signature and musical notes.
Industry analyst Britt Beemer’s curiosity was piqued by the idea of an
Presley furniture line.
“I wouldn’t think of Elvis Presley’s name if I were thinking about the
epitome of good taste,” said Beemer. “But it might do very well.”
Bob Slotnicki, a branding expert with Global Licensing & Trademark Ltd.
in Hickory said he could not come up with a better match than Elvis and
Vaughan-Bassett.
“The big question is whether the retail customer is going to buy one
piece as a novelty or a whole suite of furniture,” he said “But if you
get 20 million people buying one piece, that’s not bad.”
Slotnicki said the idea of Elvis furniture has much to commend it,
starting with Presley’s lasting appeal a generation after his death. The
typical Elvis Presley fan also is the kind of person who buys furniture.
“We’re talking about middle-aged women,” he said.
Dealers may also want to stock the line as a traffic builder, he said:
“The Elvis Presley stuff will get you in the door, even if you want to
stand and giggle at it.”
The entire program came about in a rather whimsical way.
Last August, Bassett was trying to visit one of the company’s plants in
Tupelo, Miss., which is more famous for being Presley’s birthplace.
Bassett’s flight was delayed in Memphis, Tenn., and Bassett couldn’t
find a rental car or a hotel room.
“I realized it was Elvis Week and there were thousands of fans in town
to go to Graceland,” he said. When he finally got home to Galax, he
shared his story with some of his colleagues. That’s when the light bulb
went on.
The company put in a call to Elvis Presley Enterprises and began
negotiating a licensing agreement.
“We learned very quickly that the Elvis fan and the Vaughan-Bassett
customer are one and the same,” said Bassett. “Seventy percent of them
are women under 50 years old. The same people who go to Graceland are
the ones who buy furniture.”
The Elvis furniture line was unveiled at Graceland on Presley’s
birthday, Jan. 8. Now it’s finally going to be shown to the rest of the
world.
“We’ve already had dozens of commitments from dealers to buy furniture
and not a single buyer has seen a sketch, color panel — nothing,“
Bassett said. “This will drive traffic to their stores. The dealers
understand that and they are excited about it.”
Bassett said the furniture will be moderately priced, with beds from
$499 to $999 at retail and entire suites available for $1,999 to $2,999.
There are no guarantees. While many celebrity lines, including Bob
Timberlake, Arnold Palmer and Ernest Hemingway have sold well, there’s
also some notable failures.
“The classic is the Titanic line, which is a case study in the bad
elements to avoid in licensing,” Slotnicki said.
One major problem was the fact that by the time the furniture was
available in the stores, the blockbuster movie was “last year’s news and
available to buy in the dollar bin.”
The movie also was marketed to teen-age girls.
“They don’t buy a lot of furniture,” he said.
Bassett said the Elvis Presley furniture has a lot of things going for
it. Besides the far-reaching star appeal, it also is a mid-priced
product line aimed at middle-class America.
“If you walk down the street and ask 100 people who is Bob or Alex or
Eddie, most of them won’t say Timberlake, Julian and Bauer,” he said. “I
think 100 out of 100 would know who Elvis is.”
Another advantage is the fact that this summer marks the 25th
anniversary of Elvis’ death. Disney is coming out with an Elvis-inspired
cartoon and McDonald’s is going to latch on with a promotional campaign.
And BMG Entertainment, owner of RCA Records, is planning to release an
anthology of The King’s No. 1 hits later this year.
“This is something that could go on for years, if not decades,” said
Bassett.
AND NOW, MULLET HAIKU
A weekly ode to follicular joy, because we can
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Diet does matter
Five Buds, three Slim Jims each day
keep my pelt shiny
(Haiku courtesy sundry demented Fix readers. What’s a mullet?
http://mulletsgalore.com. What’s haiku?
http://www.lsi.usp.br/usp/rod/poet/haiku.html)
oh my god. that’s *so* fucking funny! :)
Eric Roberts? the Stanford CS department head?
I wish I knew. I don’t know any Eric Roberts, though, unless your last name is Roberts. Hey… are you the Stanford CS department head? :-P
Saddest thing is I was one of Father Thom’s Altar Boys, lol. For the 1st time in my life I’m glad I was pizzia faced angry teenager in high school. Guess he didn’t consider me pretty. I’m an agnostic now for reasons of education, experience, and logic. Turns out another priest right b4 father thom, father henry from poland was also a molester. Sheesh, sue this organization till its broke people.