Just Kristin

I know that there are lots of things I am sup­posed to be doing, lots of ways I am sup­posed to be in the world… Some­times, though, I get very con­fused. When I feel guilty about being the way I am, peo­ple who love me tell me that I should feel no guilt, ask­ing, “If you had [insert ill­ness such as can­cer here] would you feel guilty?” Well, chances are, I would. How­ever, I know that the answer is sup­posed to be “no.” Fine. No guilt. On the other hand, when I am told things like, “Just don’t be sad,” (although I haven’t heard this one in a while, thanks to the under­stand­ing nature of my fam­ily and friends) or “Don’t think of your­self as help­less, but rather see each event in your life as a choice you have made,” I can­not help but feel the clammy grip of my ever-lurking sense of shame: Why can’t I just be happy? Why do I feel so help­less? Why, even when I have intel­lec­tu­ally iso­lated each choice I have made, do I feel that I had lit­tle say in which path I ended up tak­ing? I have to leave this room of mine. I am sure that there is a door some­where in this dark lit­tle hidey-hole that I can­not see, a hid­den door with a knob only on the out­side, per­haps. Once I am in a brighter place (or per­haps out­side — my door, if I have one, might open out to a park or a gar­den) I might be able to see how easy these tacks are to take. Other peo­ple who live in brighter rooms seem to have no prob­lem. Until then, though, I will keep shoulder-ramming my walls in the hope that some­day, some­thing will give. In the mean­time, please par­don the noise, dust and occa­sional flood­ing. Under con­struc­tion, you see.

§ One Response to “Where’s The Door?”

• syndromes says:

  12/13/2004 at 6:12 am

  It ain’t easy :/

  I don’t know what changed within me exactly — it was a fairly defin­i­tive change though after read­ing ‘Authen­tic Hap­pi­ness’. Maybe not so much in action, but in the whole thought process… some­thing changed. Will it last? Dunno :) I haven’t felt as “okay” as a per­son though in a really really long time — if noth­ing else its a respite from the years of mel­on­choly. I’d be happy to loan it to you if you’re interested.

  Short ver­sion — I owe you din­ner at a restau­rant of your choos­ing :) Prefer­ably a veg­gie one ;) haha See you soon!

  COMMENT:
  Happy New Year Brownie :)