Pre–Lexapro
I’m driving through life, just tooling along, occasionally enjoying the scenery, mostly filled with a bland kind of loneliness and melancholy, but frequently excited — either by my own crap driving, someone else’s crap driving or a random hiccup of circumstance like a cup in the road — into extreme, hyperventilating, weepy, glass-completely-empty, wishing-to-disappear, no-hope depression and anxiety. Decision-making shuts down at this point. To continue the road trip metaphor, suddenly I come to the end of my map. Since I have no direction, and my ability to drive has become impaired by the previously-mentioned anxiety, and, as often happens during these forays into the uncharted, I lose my will (and my belief in my ability) to continue, I end up either willingly or accidentally driving off the cliff that is always there, where the map ends. It is a long, hard, muddy, painful climb back up that cliff, and when I am down there, I am loathe to climb back up because it means getting back in the car and trying to get back on the road — something I have no faith in my ability to do. People to try to extend a hand down to help me are often bitten by the animal I become down in the muck and shadow. Luckily for me, the climb was always completed, even though it usually took days.
Post–Lexapro
Still driving, still tooling along, still passing through a mix of emotions most of which are nothing to brag about. I occasionally arrive at a bit of joy, but I also hit the edge of the map just as often as I did before. This time, however, there is no cliff. I do not fall, but rather stall, right there on the edge of the world. I am still depressed and anxious, but now am unable to hide from it. One would think that this would make getting back on the road an easier thing, but it doesn’t. I am just as lost, and oftentimes end up wishing for a cliff, for my dank, dark valley, my hiding place. I have no more information than before — the map is not wider or easier to read or fold and unfold. I am no more capable. From here on in, I am to study the roads that take me to the edge of the map and learn to avoid them, or not succeeding in avoidance, to perfect my U-turn… or so say the experts. I understand this goal, and I agree for the most part, but I still find myself wishing for a nice high, slippery cliff when the horizon looms.
Now what I need is a drug that draws maps.
Sounds about right. :)
If you get really good, you learn to look off the edge of the cliff — and notice the beautiful scenery surrounding you instead of just the rocks below you. ;^)
Maybe you need to post some of those “Here there be dragons” signs. No wait, you like dragons.… ok, maybe “Here there be monsters” signs.…
Crazymeds seems to consider Lexapro mostly harmless. Sounds safer than my Effexor, but not as fun.
As for me and maps, with me, it was more like, “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t NEED roads!” At least you’ve got freakin’ roads…
Namaste.…
Oh, and for me the “map drawing” drug is lamictal. My shrink thanks me every time I see him for talking him into trying that — it wasn’t approved for bipolar at the time — now almost all his bipolar patients use it.
Your post-Lexapro description made me think “welcome to the human race.” Nobody has a map. Everybody wonders if there is some huge secret piece of information they alone are missing. There isn’t. We struggle to find our way, to find meaning, to understand ourselves and our place in the universe — that’s what being a human is all about. You’re absolutely right — there is no place to hide. We must come out into the light and accept the fact that we are all beautiful, complete, flawed human beings — and that we are OK just the way we are. As Bukowski wrote: “Your life is your life. Don’t let it be clubbed into dank submission.” You are one of the most wonderful people I have ever met.
Found this whilst searching for Lexapro and side effects. I’m actually on Esitalo but it is a generic brand of Lexparo.
I’d like to add my two bits worth as I’ve been on this drug for over two years now and after trying to ween myself it a couple of times I’ve proven to myself that this is the way life is supposed to be.
After 15 yrs of marriage and the many up and downs of life that it brings, my wife and I were having unresolved issues mainly attributed (or so it seems) at the time to my temper and irrational moods. I was prescribed Lexparo by a very well known Australian Psychologist that my GP sent me too. He gave me this piece advice after discussing the issues that my wife and I were having, “She would be a very hard woman if she asked you to leave home now after I’ve diagnosed you with anxiety and very high stress levels”.…and guess what happened? When I went home and discussed with her what the GP had told me(less the bit about her being a hard woman if…)…she asked me to leave home!
This departure from the routine and what I found to be my solace ie family and my home were swiftly ripped away from me. Being the emotional and ‘still waters run deep’ sort of person I was in turmoil. Returning to my mother’s home had no saviour for me as being a man of 40+yrs it was quite embarrassing. This further demoralised me and I was spiralling out of control. At this point the Lexapro had not kicked in enough yet to make any real difference to my personality.
However, within a couple of months it did start to give me some clarity. The best way I have of describing its effect is to say that I felt like it was a miserable day, drizzly with very heavy fog before the Lexapro. Then as it started to take effect the fog started to lift and become more of a haze. Then to the day when it was a warm sunny spring morning and the world was clear and it was a beautiful day. We still get rain with cold miserable weather but before too long it clears again to be a clear sunny day even if it is winter but then comes spring and summer. And so the cycle repeats.
Needless to say I am no longer married to that ‘very hard woman’ and I feel as though I am now the person she once met, fell in love with, married and raised two beautiful 10yr old twins. If only she had given me the time and understanding that a Diabetic working 12 hr Day and Night shifts with anxiety verging on depression needed to get himself unwound.
She will never recognise or accept that half the problem was her to start with and it wasn’t just my anger and temperament that drove us to this point. I will admit that my upbringing did not give me the tools in my toolbag to allow me to deal with the stresses that daily life will bring and I feel that she just added to those stresses without ever understanding the cause and effect principle.
I have a deeper understanding of myself and the ability now to feel when I am stressed and recognise the factors influencing my emotions whether they be bad or good emotions.
Finally, I feel that Lexparo/Esitalo is like a key to allow my emotions to ebb and flow without the blockage of stress/anxiety causing these emotions to build up and overflow in waves of pent up outbursts.
I still have times when emotions overcome me to cause me to cry or laugh out loud but this I feel is just life happening as we swerve our way through all the day to day dilemmas that life puts there to test our tenacity.
I would urge anyone with undiagnosed apathy/anxiety/anger/emotional outburst/unexpalined irrationality to see a doctor with the perseverance to try a drug like Lexparo or Esitalo. I experienced all of the above without diagnosis.
Regards,
Mic.
PS. I have now met a wonderful lady that treats me with the love and respect that I feel and felt I deserve. Thus I return it to her with interest. We are happy and I’m sure life will only get better.
I’m Chuck Frey, author of the Mind Mapping Software Blog, the leading source of news, trends and best practices in the world of visual mapping. Much has changed since the last edition of this book was published in 2007. In writing this 3rd edition, I looked at the existing content with a critical eye, updating those tips that needed it, eliminating topics that aren’t as relevant today and — most importantly — populated it with a wealth of new, practical and actionable information that is designed with today’s programs, applications and resources in mind.