Stuck in a locker again
| October 18th, 2007I was an orchestra nerd in high school. I had a few good friends, but even those of my friends who were also nerdy had something else - Meiz was pretty and had a car and a load of talent, Shell and Candy were tough farm girls, Rob was one of the cool crowd… Those who loved me were capable of looking beyond all the things that made me the anti-popular. The rest of the world just teased and tormented me or ignored me. Ignored me, that is, until they needed help with something. I have always gotten good grades, and I have always been a push-over, eager to please, to help, to give inthe hopes that it would earn me a scrap of anything. It did, I guess: I got attention while requests were being made, the occasional “thanks,” and yet more scraps of gum in my hair when the effects of the favor had worn off.
I was, just to clarify, not the nerdiest kid in school or the most ostracized - those who had personality issues took that prize. I was nice, and dorky by choice rather than by nature or by nurture - unabashedly enthusiastic about classical music, writing poetry, getting good grades and taking part in drama. I had no desire to be a cheerleader or a jock or a stoner… but I did want to be acknowledged as a person with worth.
Today I feel like I am back in high school. I try to be nice, helpful. I volunteer my assistance, my time. I genuinely like the people around me, but for some reason, I still find myself reaching out to those who seem stand-offish. I help and get ignored, and what’s worse, ignored to my face. Part of this has to be my problem. I worry too much, perhaps, about being accepted by everyone. Is it wrong to expect at least a word in response when solicited assistance is given? Is civility dead? Do the cool-and-aloof popular kids ever grow the f*ck up and out of their self-absorption?
I suppose it wouldn’t hurt so badly if it were an isolated incident. If I hadn’t been teased as a kid, there might be no open wounds for their salt. I am not enjoying how I feel right now, and will have to work on not allowing myself to react in this way. Until I accomplish that, however, I will have to spend more time in the green out back, looking at the fish, the bugs, the turtles, the trees, the vines and the sprinkler leaks.
Any wisdom would be appreciated. Smoo? You are better than me at this shit. Got anything for me?
I think the self-absorbed are pretty much always self-absorbed.
But the green is quite beautiful today in the autumn light, so go enjoy it. Far better than worrying about what others think of you, or don’t.
I have an idea, barbaric as it may be: point them out so I can beat the shit out of them. Not enlightened, but effective.
IMO, I have two choices in this area: I can seek out and rely upon the actions of others to give me the feeling I am OK (the “outside” support structure), or I can fix what’s broken inside me and become convinced that I AM OK, no matter what anyone else says or does (the “internal” support structure). If I choose the former, the people we rely upon (even the ones who love me) will always fail me, because convincing me I am OK is not their job. We cannot change the behavior of others. We can only change ourselves.