I need to do this to help out the healthy monkeys, so that they may win in their battle against the stupid ones. I am posting it in public because in public is also where I have the hardest time being nice to myself. Here is me, trying:
- I am a good mother. I worked hard to raise an independent, strong child. My methods do not match the traditional methods in many ways, and no doubt Dobson and his ilk would disapprove. Even at a young age, she was allowed to have opinions on things such as clothing, make-up, meals… When I made food she didn’t like, she was welcome to have something else of her own preparation, which was, more often than not, the ramen/mac-n-cheese/soup/granola bars/other current favorite that she requested — by case — from the store. :) I give her explanations for things rather than simple “No” answers, and allow her to question them, and even though the answers have not always been satisfying to her, she has learned to advocate for herself and to make informed, healthy decisions. It has been a pleasure watching her develop her own style, develop as a person: she is a beautiful woman, a smart one, a kind one, and above all that and unlike her mother, she is a strong one. I am trying to become strong like her.
– As far as relationships in general? I love with my whole heart. I have learned to look for signs of love in whatever form they take. I honestly feel it a privilege to have the love and friendship of my friends and family, and I do my best to show them such, in my fashion. I may be tardy on occasion, but in that, there is a love for my husband, much as there is his love for me in every trip he makes to bring forgotten items to me and my daughter. We are a strong and mutually supportive unit, and I am grateful. I do not betray strict confidences. While I occasionally fail to meet a planned goal, I am very careful not to use the phrase “I promise” unless I can be sure of coming through. I apologize when I fail (and then some, according to my daughter, who thinks I apologize too much). I value my family and friends more than I do the law (while still maintaining my moral code), and will do whatever I can to help them when they are in dire straits.
– I am a smart person. I may not be a genius, but I have the mix of skills and talents that I have, and I am working on not denying them, and accepting praise when it is given. I can write poetry (in form), sing, play instruments, develop websites, do arts-n-crafts, inspire conversation, speak and write Japanese, learn languages, and take part in education with a passion to both absorb and assist. I am useful and funny and kind. I am tender-hearted and open-minded and passionate when it comes to speaking out for the down-trodden. I am supportive of causes I believe in. I refuse to slow down. I will not let my monkeys beat me.
All that was hard for me, but not as hard as it has been. Slowly but surely, a work in progress. Some day, I will develop a carapace of some strength and will kick out all the crappy monkeys. Until then, thank you for being there. :)
Beautifully written by a beautiful woman. I can relate to the over-apologizing. I realized it was happening one day when I bumped into a chair and apologized before consciously thinking about what I was doing. Such apologies are worthless given in such an offhanded, unconscious way. Now I try to consider my apology more deeply before offering it, am I truly sorry, did I really do something I feel badly about, or is it only given because I’m buying into the less than story that I have been telling myself for years. It was wonderful to read about Ayumi and hear how she has grown. Wishing you and your family the best.
Bravo! I admire you so much!