All I can say to this is yes. Yes. Yes and thank you, Pearl, and @kateordeath for passing it along (the article, not the depression). Yes. Exactly. And I am sorry. And thank you everyone and I am sorry.
Depression is humiliating. It turns intelligent, kind people into zombies who can’t wash a dish or change their socks. It affects the ability to think clearly, to feel anything, to ascribe value to your children, your lifelong passions, your relative good fortune. It scoops out your normal healthy ability to cope with bad days and bad news, and replaces it with an unrecognizable sludge that finds no pleasure, no delight, no point in anything outside of bed. You alienate your friends because you can’t comport yourself socially, you risk your job because you can’t concentrate, you live in moderate squalor because you have no energy to stand up, let alone take out the garbage. You become pathetic and you know it. And you have no capacity to stop the downward plunge. You have no perspective, no emotional reserves, no faith that it will get better. So you feel guilty and ashamed of your inability to deal with life like a regular human, which exacerbates the depression and the isolation.Depression is humiliating.If you’ve never been depressed, thank your lucky stars and back off the folks who take a pill so they can make eye contact with the grocery store cashier. No one on earth would choose the nightmare of depression over an averagely turbulent normal life.It’s not an incapacity to cope with day to day living in the modern world. It’s an incapacity to function. At all. If you and your loved ones have been spared, every blessing to you. If depression has taken root in you or your loved ones, every blessing to you, too.Depression is humiliating.No one chooses it. No one deserves it. It runs in families, it ruins families. You cannot imagine what it takes to feign normalcy, to show up to work, to make a dentist appointment, to pay bills, to walk your dog, to return library books on time, to keep enough toilet paper on hand, when you are exerting most of your capacity on trying not to kill yourself. Depression is real. Just because you’ve never had it doesn’t make it imaginary. Compassion is also real. And a depressed person may cling desperately to it until they are out of the woods and they may remember your compassion for the rest of their lives as a force greater than their depression. Have a heart. Judge not lest ye be judged.
Nothing to be sorry for. I don’t feel depressed any longer since I pretty much told most of the world to fuck off. ;^) And got better drugs.
Seriously, the lamictal for me was like a freakin’ lightswitch. I still have off days of course, but have never descended to the depths again like I did before.
You have a good and deeply understanding posse who love you and care about you and support you no matter what. That’s the most important part. The mood is not who you are and does not define you. It is not easy to climb out of those deep holes and those who know and understand that are always there to help you get out of it too. Take care of yourself, and never be sorry for those times when others get to take care of you, too. The intensity and vibrance of what you bring to your better moments is well worth it.
I also say, YES. And THANK YOU.
And I agree with Donna, no “I’m sorries.” I won’t be sorry that this is also part of me — I didn’t ask for it or go looking for it or wield it intentionally. It just is, and I do the best I can.